How (and When) to Reignite Old Relationships

About Nicole Pajer

Nicole Pajer is a Los Angeles-based freelance published in The New York Times, Woman's Day, AARP, Parade, Wired, Glamour, People and more.

two friends laughing and working on a puzzle

Do you have some friends you’ve lost touch with? Most of us do. As we get married, raise kids, switch careers, move to new towns, and just get busy with life, it’s common for some friendships to fade. Or maybe you had a falling out with a friend or even a family member? If you’re looking to get back in touch, there can be many ways to go about that – not to mention major benefits of rekindling a relationship.

The benefits of reuniting old relationships

There can be many benefits of getting back in touch with people you used to spend time with. Here are just a few of those:

New friends to add to the mix: As you get older, it can be challenging to meet new friends. Rekindling relationships with people you were once close to and have simply lost touch with is a great way to find more people to do fun social things with.

Rediscover shared interests and connections: “Reigniting an old relationship can provide an opportunity to rediscover shared interests, connections, and memories that you may have lost touch with over time,” explains Dr. Connie Omari, the host of The Black Marriage and Family Therapy Matters Podcast program. This can be a chance to reconnect with someone who knew you in the past and can offer a different perspective on your life experiences.

Relationships may help to improve our mental health and well-being: “Social connections are important for our mental health and well-being, and reigniting old relationships can provide a sense of belonging and connectedness,” explains Omari.

New opportunities: Reconnecting with someone from your past can lead to new opportunities in your personal or professional life. “They may be able to provide new insights, introduce you to new people or opportunities, or offer support and encouragement in pursuing your goals,
says Omari.

How to get back in touch

So how can you go about getting back in touch with people who were once a part of your past? Try the following:

Use social media to your advantage: Social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn are excellent tools for reaching out to old family members and friends. “You can search for them using their names or email addresses, send them a message, and reconnect with them,” says Omari. Before sending a message, you should review the profile to make sure it is actually your friend or family member’s account.

Send a letter or email: If you don't have social media or prefer a more personal touch, you can send a letter or email to the person you wish to reconnect with. Say hello, ask how the other person is doing and express your desire to reconnect and catch up on each other's lives.

Attend a reunion or event: Another way to reconnect with old family members or friends is by going to a reunion or event that they will be attending. This, says Omari, could be a high school or college reunion, a family gathering, or a mutual friend's party. “Attending such events provides an opportunity to reconnect in person and catch up on each other's lives,” she explains.

Rekindling takes time

Reigniting an old relationship takes time and patience. “Don't expect things to go back to the way they were overnight,” explains Barry Granek, a licensed mental health counselor in New York. Instead, he says to focus on enjoying the process of getting to know the person again.

When the conversation starts up again, he says to make sure to show genuine interest in the other person’s life and experiences. “Ask questions and listen actively to what they have to say,” he suggests.

It’s also helpful to focus on common interests. “If you're not sure where to start, try to find a shared interest or hobby that you can bond over,” says Jessica Tappana, a licensed clinical social worker in Missouri. Mention something new in your life related to that hobby or interest that left you thinking about them. Tappana also says to practice self-compassion. “It's natural to feel nervous or uncertain when reaching out to someone you haven't spoken to in years,” she says. Remember to be kind and gentle with yourself, and celebrate each step forward, no matter how small.

When you feel comfortable after exchanging back and forth communication, suggest that you meet up for coffee, lunch, or to take part in a shared interest. If the meeting goes well, follow up afterwards. “Once you've reconnected with someone, make an effort to schedule regular check-ins,” says Dr. Cassandra LeClair, a communication studies professor and relationship expert in Austin, Texas. This can be as simple as a monthly phone call or a weekly text message. “Setting aside dedicated time to catch up can help to maintain the relationship over time,” she adds. And ultimately, be respectful of the other person's boundaries and feelings. If they are not interested in discussing a certain topic, or even reconnecting, Granek says to respect their decision and move on.